[It’s a little strange locking her arms around anyone who isn’t Eren—really strange, actually—but before Aubrey can feed any neuroses from that, up they go!
[The world’s biggest rollercoaster has fuckall on this. Aubrey faintly hopes Armin doesn’t mind her screaming, first in fear but then out of sheer excitement; by the time they’re on the downswing she’s even tempted to toss up a fistpump.
[For a fleeting, split second, it almost did feel like something out of a fairytale.]
Holy crap. [Aubrey’s laughing as she steps back, none too hastily; it takes a moment to steady herself again.] That’s incredible. You do that like it’s nothing!
[Aubrey’s only heard of the Scout Regiment once, offhand; the Survey Corps have been mentioned a bit more. Neither are familiar terms to her, but she can guess what “these days” leaves unsaid.]
[And then, Eren. Thrilling as getting carried away (literally) was…] Right. [Calming down, now.] I won’t.
Although… I can’t act like this conversation never happened. [It’s a grim admission. The world would force it sooner or later, sure, but even if it somehow didn’t…] I can’t believe he’d do that to you.
[Armin couldn't believe it at first either. His expression drops again; it's a bit refreshing, at least, to not have to force a smile now that the masquerade is over.]
I don't think the universe would let you if you tried.
[It's easier to talk about that then to talk about Eren; however, the principle applies both ways.]
In the grand scheme of things, neglecting to break up with someone probably seemed irrelevant.
[That doesn't make it better.]
None of us were expecting this place. If I want to be angry about something, there's a lot--
[He didn’t get too much catharsis out of all that swinging, did he? All things considered....]
I think anger catches up with you whether you want it or not. [On which note, Aubrey will give Armin some space for a moment to get her bat back. But she keeps talking over her shoulder anyway;] Isn’t it annoying? That feelings don’t change anything but you’re stuck with them anyway?
[It was targeted, although not at Aubrey. Armin regrets it as soon as she gives her caveat. He no longer feels the need to break things; he's just not the type.
[His heart aches painfully. Eren. Could anyone survive the weight of a hatred like that? And it's always been there. Even before the wall fell.
[Reiner had to tell them that Eren was suffering. Of course he's suffering. Just look at what they all placed on his shoulders. And then they were surprised that it went badly? He's sick with guilt.]
I'm not prone to hatred. But, no. I wouldn't be eager for that.
[There's a substantial pause.]
You've brought something out in him, Aubrey. Something that I failed to.
[Her teeth grit. She tries to focus on the insurmountable shape in front of her, eyes narrowed.]
You shouldn’t thank me for anything.
[A different guilt’s been gnawing at Aubrey. It’s not her place, though; none of this is. That’s the point. Her hands grip tighter on the handle, wringing, but she can’t make herself swing yet.]
[It’s strange. That’s exactly what Aubrey’s betting on, isn’t it? And what Armin’s saying isn’t news; he wouldn’t have stopped her so insistently at the screens, just for a glimpse of Eren’s humanity, otherwise.
[And yet: Eren broke Armin’s heart. Eren broke Armin’s heart for her.
[It makes Armin’s words hit like an insult.
[That Aubrey knows it’s not what he means at all? It’s worse.]
You know, after Eren said I should marry him… I said I’d break him.
I said I’d break him until he wanted to live again.
[Finally, a swing. As metal slams into wood, Armin will hear fragments of a conversation:
“It’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?”
“You get it. “It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die.”
“It’s a worse Hell than I can describe.”
[Aubrey has taken multiple swings. It’s corroded a good chunk of the titan’s leg; not quite enough to throw the balance, but more than enough to send splinters flying.]
[She looks to Armin, apologetic, frenzied, desperate.]
[The experience overall is overwhelming. The sounds of the would-be titan being slain doesn’t bother him. It’s Aubrey’s disturbing words, and someone else’s too - Reiner Braun’s voice. But why is he talking about Eren that way…? It almost makes Armin angry; in fact, it does make Armin angry.
[It does make him angry.]
Listen to yourself.
[His voice is as calm as it is firm.]
Break each other.
Destroy each other.
What the hell good does that do?
[There’s a long pause, and then he shakes his head, disappointed.]
I can’t pretend to understand how people love like that. Why is everyone so hellbent on hurting each other? Is the world not cruel enough?
Here, at least, can we not just love each other?
[Again, his voice remains calm. Anyone standing on the periphery of this conversation likely wouldn’t realize he’s upset.]
And I’m not “too good” for anything. I’m no better than you, or Eren, or anyone.
[“Listen to yourself.”
[Aubrey’s getting really tired of being scolded.
[She feels like she’s disappointed him—she’s nearly certain she has, because although she won’t pretend to know Armin well, “hellbent,” out of him?]
[“I should take that as a compliment.” It’s not one. Aubrey knows that.]
[But it’s Armin’s denial that gets her.]
Yes. You are. Listen to yourself! [She points the bat at him, wood caught in the nails.] People like us, me and Eren [it’s less choking to say if it’s not just her]—we can’t “just” love if we fucking try. It hurts.
[Armin’s memory montage, that sweet, soft love… so goddamn beautiful. Scenes from a storybook, a fairytale; people like Armin get to have those, deserve to. Aubrey wants to cry.]
If you don’t understand that… [She swallows, instead, lifting her chin; arrogant, as if at knifepoint.] Good.
[Still calm, Armin's tone sounds genuinely perplexed too; it should be obvious, shouldn't it? It isn't easy for anyone to love - certainly not where he comes from; maybe not anywhere.]
You think it doesn't hurt me? Really?
[It isn't fair, he reminds himself. She barely knows him.]
Loving is dangerous. Loving is painful. Loving is miserable. Aubrey, I understand that. I have loved to my own detriment a thousand times. I love Eren too.
I get it. Of course I get it.
[It's his fault, really. You spend long enough crafting a mask, and suddenly no one can see through.]
"Good" and "bad" and "worse" and "better" - it's all subjective. People are "good" when they suit your needs or ideals, and "bad" when they don't.
Please, don't put me on a pedestal. You have no idea the things I've done, or the things I feel. The way I act is a choice. That's it.
[At the word “detriment,” Aubrey’s vision blurs. By the time he’s done, she’s already drained.]
Must be nice… acting like you can control anything.... [It’s supposed to be an insult, but there’s no bite. What else is she supposed to respond to? He’s right, he’s right, he’s right, and she’s so goddamn tired of feeling wrong. It’d be nice if the world would take her away again.
[Unmercifully, it doesn’t. Aubrey’s arm droops and the bat slips from her fingers, her breath catching as it hits the ground. Great, here she goes again…]
Y-you’re just… You don’t deserve this mess. [At least Aubrey can get that out, if only because she’s looking down at the wreckage of her outburst and not Armin. Her left hand rises to cover the lower half of her face, as if that might help anything, other arm crossing tight.]
You deserve better. That’s… that’s all I’m trying to say.
[Is it, though? Is it really? Aubrey is so very sick of feeling everything.]
[‘I don’t.’ ‘You don’t know me, either.’ Or even ‘It doesn’t matter what we deserve, anyway, when we just get this.’ But it’s all stifled. Aubrey cries in earnest, like it feels like she has every fucking day since they barged back into her life, changing it yet again, irrevocably, forever.
[Focus, Aubrey. Don’t… don’t get lost in that, now.]
Armin… [He’s here, now. She can control herself enough to focus on that.] Why do you think we’re here…?
[Maybe for the best that Armin doesn’t reach out. It’s occurring to Aubrey that she’s started to associate this disgusting overflow with Eren’s arms; she wants him, how the hell is she supposed to face him after this, the works. It’s Armin who’s been hurt more here, anyway; Aubrey wouldn’t want it.]
[She centers on his answer, instead. May the self-pitying sentiment of deserved punishment not eat her alive for two seconds.]
“Something we all need,” huh… [Aubrey rubs her eyes. Might’ve got some sawdust in them; whatever. They’d be red after this anyway.] Why’s that?
Rihanna wants to teach us the power of friendship, Aubrey.
I'm not sure...[His answer, for Armin, is surprisingly distant, as if distracted.]
It just feels...significant. And not necessarily malevolent, the more I think about it...
[A disembodied voice sent by the universe itself to break Armin's spirit back into something honest - this is something he endured not thirty minutes ago, and yet...]
Not that I approve of what we've been through - you two especially - but it's just as I said; if there are intentions behind it at all, I'm not sure that they're to cause suffering for the sake of suffering. That's all.
[Aubrey tries not to hear his answer as sharply as she did his talk of lessons and calculation. Besides, she took it to heart even then.]
I don’t like it… [Unsteady breath in. The rest comes out in a sigh, weary.] …but you’re probably right.
Anything you don’t want to talk about, or face or hear or whatever… it’s here.
[Including people. Or at least, Armin and Reiner for Eren; Bertholdt for Armin. Mari’s an outlier, it seems. Aubrey doesn’t want to connect that last dot yet.]
I guess… it does tend to go better, when you don’t resist it.
[After all, he was fairly cooperative with the game overall. Still, it was punishing; not as punishing as Eren and Aubrey's experiences (or so Armin understands them).
[How much torture do those two let themselves endure before giving in...?]
It's a dilemma, right? As humans, we want everything to have a purpose or a reason. We want to know why what's happening is happening. We want to know how.
Maybe there isn't a purpose. That's a possibility too. But I don't like it as much...
Hey, that’s not an insult. [Aubrey isn’t quite feeling a laugh, but she manages a small, brief smile in return.] Fairy tales might be fake, but… there are moments.
And I guess, even if there’s not a purpose after all…[Arguably a more terrifying thought than a malicious reason. At least that’d imply something to fight back against. Then again, grueling things happening for no reason… kind of a theme, isn’t it?]
[It’s a fair omission. A nice thought, that someday they might all really have each other… It sounds impossible, but so would being stuck in a malleable space with people from another world. And Armin, at least, has been shaping his space pretty damn well.]
Yeah. I guess that is a kind of freedom. [Aubrey’s smile is, if tired, more genuine this round.]
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armin: -is cunty, also-
[It’s a little strange locking her arms around anyone who isn’t Eren—really strange, actually—but before Aubrey can feed any neuroses from that, up they go!
[The world’s biggest rollercoaster has fuckall on this. Aubrey faintly hopes Armin doesn’t mind her screaming, first in fear but then out of sheer excitement; by the time they’re on the downswing she’s even tempted to toss up a fistpump.
[For a fleeting, split second, it almost did feel like something out of a fairytale.]
Holy crap. [Aubrey’s laughing as she steps back, none too hastily; it takes a moment to steady herself again.] That’s incredible. You do that like it’s nothing!
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I’ve been using ODM gear for about seven years now.
Actually, if you’ve heard of the Scout Regiment, I’m the Commander these days.
[It’s more bitter than sweet, but his tone remains casual. It’s still hard to think about Hange— Does Eren know?]
Actually, ah…Don’t mention that bit to Eren just yet. If you don’t mind.
[Still protecting him despite everything. He has no pride left to cling to.]
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[Aubrey’s only heard of the Scout Regiment once, offhand; the Survey Corps have been mentioned a bit more. Neither are familiar terms to her, but she can guess what “these days” leaves unsaid.]
[And then, Eren. Thrilling as getting carried away (literally) was…] Right. [Calming down, now.] I won’t.
Although… I can’t act like this conversation never happened. [It’s a grim admission. The world would force it sooner or later, sure, but even if it somehow didn’t…] I can’t believe he’d do that to you.
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I don't think the universe would let you if you tried.
[It's easier to talk about that then to talk about Eren; however, the principle applies both ways.]
In the grand scheme of things, neglecting to break up with someone probably seemed irrelevant.
[That doesn't make it better.]
None of us were expecting this place. If I want to be angry about something, there's a lot--
Well. There's...just a lot.
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Hah, you’re not kidding.
[He didn’t get too much catharsis out of all that swinging, did he? All things considered....]
I think anger catches up with you whether you want it or not. [On which note, Aubrey will give Armin some space for a moment to get her bat back. But she keeps talking over her shoulder anyway;] Isn’t it annoying? That feelings don’t change anything but you’re stuck with them anyway?
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I'd rather feel everything than feel nothing at all.
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[She catches that.
[Feels weirdly targeted.]
[Aubrey retrieves her bat. Weighs it with her hand a bit, gripping it solid. Been a while.]
Everything, huh?
[She doesn’t return to Armin all the way, pausing at the nearest wood-titan. A swing is readied but not made.]
Even hatred?
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[His heart aches painfully. Eren. Could anyone survive the weight of a hatred like that? And it's always been there. Even before the wall fell.
[Reiner had to tell them that Eren was suffering. Of course he's suffering. Just look at what they all placed on his shoulders. And then they were surprised that it went badly? He's sick with guilt.]
I'm not prone to hatred. But, no. I wouldn't be eager for that.
[There's a substantial pause.]
You've brought something out in him, Aubrey. Something that I failed to.
I should thank you for that.
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What do you mean, failed to?
[Her teeth grit. She tries to focus on the insurmountable shape in front of her, eyes narrowed.]
You shouldn’t thank me for anything.
[A different guilt’s been gnawing at Aubrey. It’s not her place, though; none of this is. That’s the point. Her hands grip tighter on the handle, wringing, but she can’t make herself swing yet.]
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[Armin can’t tell if the frustration is directed toward him; he doesn’t really care. It’s the truth.]
You woke him up. There’s hope.
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[It’s strange. That’s exactly what Aubrey’s betting on, isn’t it? And what Armin’s saying isn’t news; he wouldn’t have stopped her so insistently at the screens, just for a glimpse of Eren’s humanity, otherwise.
[And yet: Eren broke Armin’s heart. Eren broke Armin’s heart for her.
[It makes Armin’s words hit like an insult.
[That Aubrey knows it’s not what he means at all? It’s worse.]
You know, after Eren said I should marry him… I said I’d break him.
I said I’d break him until he wanted to live again.
[Finally, a swing. As metal slams into wood, Armin will hear fragments of a conversation:
“It’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?”
“You get it.
“It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die.”
“It’s a worse Hell than I can describe.”
[Aubrey has taken multiple swings. It’s corroded a good chunk of the titan’s leg; not quite enough to throw the balance, but more than enough to send splinters flying.]
[She looks to Armin, apologetic, frenzied, desperate.]
It’s not your fault.
“I think I break everyone I love.”
[Out loud, out of breath:]
You’re too good for that.
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[It does make him angry.]
Listen to yourself.
[His voice is as calm as it is firm.]
Break each other.
Destroy each other.
What the hell good does that do?
[There’s a long pause, and then he shakes his head, disappointed.]
I can’t pretend to understand how people love like that. Why is everyone so hellbent on hurting each other? Is the world not cruel enough?
Here, at least, can we not just love each other?
[Again, his voice remains calm. Anyone standing on the periphery of this conversation likely wouldn’t realize he’s upset.]
And I’m not “too good” for anything. I’m no better than you, or Eren, or anyone.
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[“Listen to yourself.”
[Aubrey’s getting really tired of being scolded.
[She feels like she’s disappointed him—she’s nearly certain she has, because although she won’t pretend to know Armin well, “hellbent,” out of him?]
[“I should take that as a compliment.” It’s not one. Aubrey knows that.]
[But it’s Armin’s denial that gets her.]
Yes. You are. Listen to yourself! [She points the bat at him, wood caught in the nails.] People like us, me and Eren [it’s less choking to say if it’s not just her]—we can’t “just” love if we fucking try. It hurts.
[Armin’s memory montage, that sweet, soft love… so goddamn beautiful. Scenes from a storybook, a fairytale; people like Armin get to have those, deserve to. Aubrey wants to cry.]
If you don’t understand that… [She swallows, instead, lifting her chin; arrogant, as if at knifepoint.] Good.
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[Still calm, Armin's tone sounds genuinely perplexed too; it should be obvious, shouldn't it? It isn't easy for anyone to love - certainly not where he comes from; maybe not anywhere.]
You think it doesn't hurt me? Really?
[It isn't fair, he reminds himself. She barely knows him.]
Loving is dangerous. Loving is painful. Loving is miserable. Aubrey, I understand that. I have loved to my own detriment a thousand times. I love Eren too.
I get it. Of course I get it.
[It's his fault, really. You spend long enough crafting a mask, and suddenly no one can see through.]
"Good" and "bad" and "worse" and "better" - it's all subjective. People are "good" when they suit your needs or ideals, and "bad" when they don't.
Please, don't put me on a pedestal. You have no idea the things I've done, or the things I feel. The way I act is a choice. That's it.
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[At the word “detriment,” Aubrey’s vision blurs. By the time he’s done, she’s already drained.]
Must be nice… acting like you can control anything.... [It’s supposed to be an insult, but there’s no bite. What else is she supposed to respond to? He’s right, he’s right, he’s right, and she’s so goddamn tired of feeling wrong. It’d be nice if the world would take her away again.
[Unmercifully, it doesn’t. Aubrey’s arm droops and the bat slips from her fingers, her breath catching as it hits the ground. Great, here she goes again…]
Y-you’re just… You don’t deserve this mess. [At least Aubrey can get that out, if only because she’s looking down at the wreckage of her outburst and not Armin. Her left hand rises to cover the lower half of her face, as if that might help anything, other arm crossing tight.]
You deserve better. That’s… that’s all I’m trying to say.
[Is it, though? Is it really? Aubrey is so very sick of feeling everything.]
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You do too, Aubrey. We all do.
[It’s as much a matter of Armin being “just as bad” as them as it is a matter of them being “just as good”.]
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[‘I don’t.’ ‘You don’t know me, either.’ Or even ‘It doesn’t matter what we deserve, anyway, when we just get this.’ But it’s all stifled. Aubrey cries in earnest, like it feels like she has every fucking day since they barged back into her life, changing it yet again, irrevocably, forever.
[Focus, Aubrey. Don’t… don’t get lost in that, now.]
Armin… [He’s here, now. She can control herself enough to focus on that.] Why do you think we’re here…?
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[It's so hard. It's all so hard. And she's only a kid. They're all just kids.]
I can't pretend to know the answer to that, but...
[How does he put this...?]
Maybe it's something we all need.
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[Maybe for the best that Armin doesn’t reach out. It’s occurring to Aubrey that she’s started to associate this disgusting overflow with Eren’s arms; she wants him, how the hell is she supposed to face him after this, the works. It’s Armin who’s been hurt more here, anyway; Aubrey wouldn’t want it.]
[She centers on his answer, instead. May the self-pitying sentiment of deserved punishment not eat her alive for two seconds.]
“Something we all need,” huh… [Aubrey rubs her eyes. Might’ve got some sawdust in them; whatever. They’d be red after this anyway.] Why’s that?
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Rihanna wants to teach us the power of friendship, Aubrey.I'm not sure...[His answer, for Armin, is surprisingly distant, as if distracted.]
It just feels...significant. And not necessarily malevolent, the more I think about it...
[A disembodied voice sent by the universe itself to break Armin's spirit back into something honest - this is something he endured not thirty minutes ago, and yet...]
Not that I approve of what we've been through - you two especially - but it's just as I said; if there are intentions behind it at all, I'm not sure that they're to cause suffering for the sake of suffering. That's all.
dying! at the strikethrough
Rihanna’s methods are cruel, Armin.[Aubrey tries not to hear his answer as sharply as she did his talk of lessons and calculation. Besides, she took it to heart even then.]
I don’t like it… [Unsteady breath in. The rest comes out in a sigh, weary.] …but you’re probably right.
Anything you don’t want to talk about, or face or hear or whatever… it’s here.
[Including people. Or at least, Armin and Reiner for Eren; Bertholdt for Armin. Mari’s an outlier, it seems. Aubrey doesn’t want to connect that last dot yet.]
I guess… it does tend to go better, when you don’t resist it.
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[After all, he was fairly cooperative with the game overall. Still, it was punishing; not as punishing as Eren and Aubrey's experiences (or so Armin understands them).
[How much torture do those two let themselves endure before giving in...?]
It's a dilemma, right? As humans, we want everything to have a purpose or a reason. We want to know why what's happening is happening. We want to know how.
Maybe there isn't a purpose. That's a possibility too. But I don't like it as much...
[His smile is as weary as her sigh.]
Call me a romantic, I guess.
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Hey, that’s not an insult. [Aubrey isn’t quite feeling a laugh, but she manages a small, brief smile in return.] Fairy tales might be fake, but… there are moments.
And I guess, even if there’s not a purpose after all…[Arguably a more terrifying thought than a malicious reason. At least that’d imply something to fight back against. Then again, grueling things happening for no reason… kind of a theme, isn’t it?]
…it’s like you said. We have each other.
In general. [A reluctant caveat, but…]
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We need each other.
And if there really isn’t a purpose, then…I guess that just leaves it up to us to decide.
That idea - it’s almost sort of…freeing, don’t you think?
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[It’s a fair omission. A nice thought, that someday they might all really have each other… It sounds impossible, but so would being stuck in a malleable space with people from another world. And Armin, at least, has been shaping his space pretty damn well.]
Yeah. I guess that is a kind of freedom. [Aubrey’s smile is, if tired, more genuine this round.]
We’ll figure it out. Especially if you’re here.
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