[The experience overall is overwhelming. The sounds of the would-be titan being slain doesn’t bother him. It’s Aubrey’s disturbing words, and someone else’s too - Reiner Braun’s voice. But why is he talking about Eren that way…? It almost makes Armin angry; in fact, it does make Armin angry.
[It does make him angry.]
Listen to yourself.
[His voice is as calm as it is firm.]
Break each other.
Destroy each other.
What the hell good does that do?
[There’s a long pause, and then he shakes his head, disappointed.]
I can’t pretend to understand how people love like that. Why is everyone so hellbent on hurting each other? Is the world not cruel enough?
Here, at least, can we not just love each other?
[Again, his voice remains calm. Anyone standing on the periphery of this conversation likely wouldn’t realize he’s upset.]
And I’m not “too good” for anything. I’m no better than you, or Eren, or anyone.
[“Listen to yourself.”
[Aubrey’s getting really tired of being scolded.
[She feels like she’s disappointed him—she’s nearly certain she has, because although she won’t pretend to know Armin well, “hellbent,” out of him?]
[“I should take that as a compliment.” It’s not one. Aubrey knows that.]
[But it’s Armin’s denial that gets her.]
Yes. You are. Listen to yourself! [She points the bat at him, wood caught in the nails.] People like us, me and Eren [it’s less choking to say if it’s not just her]—we can’t “just” love if we fucking try. It hurts.
[Armin’s memory montage, that sweet, soft love… so goddamn beautiful. Scenes from a storybook, a fairytale; people like Armin get to have those, deserve to. Aubrey wants to cry.]
If you don’t understand that… [She swallows, instead, lifting her chin; arrogant, as if at knifepoint.] Good.
[Still calm, Armin's tone sounds genuinely perplexed too; it should be obvious, shouldn't it? It isn't easy for anyone to love - certainly not where he comes from; maybe not anywhere.]
You think it doesn't hurt me? Really?
[It isn't fair, he reminds himself. She barely knows him.]
Loving is dangerous. Loving is painful. Loving is miserable. Aubrey, I understand that. I have loved to my own detriment a thousand times. I love Eren too.
I get it. Of course I get it.
[It's his fault, really. You spend long enough crafting a mask, and suddenly no one can see through.]
"Good" and "bad" and "worse" and "better" - it's all subjective. People are "good" when they suit your needs or ideals, and "bad" when they don't.
Please, don't put me on a pedestal. You have no idea the things I've done, or the things I feel. The way I act is a choice. That's it.
[At the word “detriment,” Aubrey’s vision blurs. By the time he’s done, she’s already drained.]
Must be nice… acting like you can control anything.... [It’s supposed to be an insult, but there’s no bite. What else is she supposed to respond to? He’s right, he’s right, he’s right, and she’s so goddamn tired of feeling wrong. It’d be nice if the world would take her away again.
[Unmercifully, it doesn’t. Aubrey’s arm droops and the bat slips from her fingers, her breath catching as it hits the ground. Great, here she goes again…]
Y-you’re just… You don’t deserve this mess. [At least Aubrey can get that out, if only because she’s looking down at the wreckage of her outburst and not Armin. Her left hand rises to cover the lower half of her face, as if that might help anything, other arm crossing tight.]
You deserve better. That’s… that’s all I’m trying to say.
[Is it, though? Is it really? Aubrey is so very sick of feeling everything.]
[‘I don’t.’ ‘You don’t know me, either.’ Or even ‘It doesn’t matter what we deserve, anyway, when we just get this.’ But it’s all stifled. Aubrey cries in earnest, like it feels like she has every fucking day since they barged back into her life, changing it yet again, irrevocably, forever.
[Focus, Aubrey. Don’t… don’t get lost in that, now.]
Armin… [He’s here, now. She can control herself enough to focus on that.] Why do you think we’re here…?
[Maybe for the best that Armin doesn’t reach out. It’s occurring to Aubrey that she’s started to associate this disgusting overflow with Eren’s arms; she wants him, how the hell is she supposed to face him after this, the works. It’s Armin who’s been hurt more here, anyway; Aubrey wouldn’t want it.]
[She centers on his answer, instead. May the self-pitying sentiment of deserved punishment not eat her alive for two seconds.]
“Something we all need,” huh… [Aubrey rubs her eyes. Might’ve got some sawdust in them; whatever. They’d be red after this anyway.] Why’s that?
Rihanna wants to teach us the power of friendship, Aubrey.
I'm not sure...[His answer, for Armin, is surprisingly distant, as if distracted.]
It just feels...significant. And not necessarily malevolent, the more I think about it...
[A disembodied voice sent by the universe itself to break Armin's spirit back into something honest - this is something he endured not thirty minutes ago, and yet...]
Not that I approve of what we've been through - you two especially - but it's just as I said; if there are intentions behind it at all, I'm not sure that they're to cause suffering for the sake of suffering. That's all.
[Aubrey tries not to hear his answer as sharply as she did his talk of lessons and calculation. Besides, she took it to heart even then.]
I don’t like it… [Unsteady breath in. The rest comes out in a sigh, weary.] …but you’re probably right.
Anything you don’t want to talk about, or face or hear or whatever… it’s here.
[Including people. Or at least, Armin and Reiner for Eren; Bertholdt for Armin. Mari’s an outlier, it seems. Aubrey doesn’t want to connect that last dot yet.]
I guess… it does tend to go better, when you don’t resist it.
[After all, he was fairly cooperative with the game overall. Still, it was punishing; not as punishing as Eren and Aubrey's experiences (or so Armin understands them).
[How much torture do those two let themselves endure before giving in...?]
It's a dilemma, right? As humans, we want everything to have a purpose or a reason. We want to know why what's happening is happening. We want to know how.
Maybe there isn't a purpose. That's a possibility too. But I don't like it as much...
Hey, that’s not an insult. [Aubrey isn’t quite feeling a laugh, but she manages a small, brief smile in return.] Fairy tales might be fake, but… there are moments.
And I guess, even if there’s not a purpose after all…[Arguably a more terrifying thought than a malicious reason. At least that’d imply something to fight back against. Then again, grueling things happening for no reason… kind of a theme, isn’t it?]
[It’s a fair omission. A nice thought, that someday they might all really have each other… It sounds impossible, but so would being stuck in a malleable space with people from another world. And Armin, at least, has been shaping his space pretty damn well.]
Yeah. I guess that is a kind of freedom. [Aubrey’s smile is, if tired, more genuine this round.]
[Freedom in captivity. Idly Aubrey wonders what Eren would think of that; surely nothing good. (She knows she broke his heart; she doesn’t quite realize how close he was to drawing this very conclusion.)]
[It takes her a moment to respond to the rest.]
—Oh, no, it. I never thought you were. [Impatient, maybe, but not at her. It’s weird to recognize that consciously. He has every right to be furious....]
I’m… sorry for snapping at you, earlier. Not to put you on a pedestal or anything [or so she’ll try], but… you’ve really been nothing but patient, even now. [Aubrey swallows. She hopes the appreciation is implicit enough.]
If there’s ever stuff you want to talk about… I’ll listen. Even if it’s awkward.
I appreciate that. [His expression reflects this.]
And the same to you.
I'm good with patience, and I try to be a good listener.
I consider you a friend, Aubrey. [With a little smile.] I hope you feel the same, even given the circumstances.
[He's not sure he's as much as said so out loud before. It's a term that he's used both loosely and stringently in his life; but for Aubrey, it fits. And they should be friends. After all, she's...married (?) to Eren now.]
Definitely. [No hesitation, this time. There’s a lot she doesn’t know about Armin, still, and back home she might’ve been a lot slower… but hell, they’ve been through too much here not to consider him one. And even if they hadn’t, she’d probably want him to be. He’s just…]
Hope this world stays kind to you, Armin. Well, kind as this place ever is. [Aubrey should probably leave before she gets emotional again. But…]
[Muttering, somewhat:] Other offer’s still open, if you want. From earlier. [A side glance.] No pressure.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It does make him angry.]
Listen to yourself.
[His voice is as calm as it is firm.]
Break each other.
Destroy each other.
What the hell good does that do?
[There’s a long pause, and then he shakes his head, disappointed.]
I can’t pretend to understand how people love like that. Why is everyone so hellbent on hurting each other? Is the world not cruel enough?
Here, at least, can we not just love each other?
[Again, his voice remains calm. Anyone standing on the periphery of this conversation likely wouldn’t realize he’s upset.]
And I’m not “too good” for anything. I’m no better than you, or Eren, or anyone.
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[“Listen to yourself.”
[Aubrey’s getting really tired of being scolded.
[She feels like she’s disappointed him—she’s nearly certain she has, because although she won’t pretend to know Armin well, “hellbent,” out of him?]
[“I should take that as a compliment.” It’s not one. Aubrey knows that.]
[But it’s Armin’s denial that gets her.]
Yes. You are. Listen to yourself! [She points the bat at him, wood caught in the nails.] People like us, me and Eren [it’s less choking to say if it’s not just her]—we can’t “just” love if we fucking try. It hurts.
[Armin’s memory montage, that sweet, soft love… so goddamn beautiful. Scenes from a storybook, a fairytale; people like Armin get to have those, deserve to. Aubrey wants to cry.]
If you don’t understand that… [She swallows, instead, lifting her chin; arrogant, as if at knifepoint.] Good.
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[Still calm, Armin's tone sounds genuinely perplexed too; it should be obvious, shouldn't it? It isn't easy for anyone to love - certainly not where he comes from; maybe not anywhere.]
You think it doesn't hurt me? Really?
[It isn't fair, he reminds himself. She barely knows him.]
Loving is dangerous. Loving is painful. Loving is miserable. Aubrey, I understand that. I have loved to my own detriment a thousand times. I love Eren too.
I get it. Of course I get it.
[It's his fault, really. You spend long enough crafting a mask, and suddenly no one can see through.]
"Good" and "bad" and "worse" and "better" - it's all subjective. People are "good" when they suit your needs or ideals, and "bad" when they don't.
Please, don't put me on a pedestal. You have no idea the things I've done, or the things I feel. The way I act is a choice. That's it.
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[At the word “detriment,” Aubrey’s vision blurs. By the time he’s done, she’s already drained.]
Must be nice… acting like you can control anything.... [It’s supposed to be an insult, but there’s no bite. What else is she supposed to respond to? He’s right, he’s right, he’s right, and she’s so goddamn tired of feeling wrong. It’d be nice if the world would take her away again.
[Unmercifully, it doesn’t. Aubrey’s arm droops and the bat slips from her fingers, her breath catching as it hits the ground. Great, here she goes again…]
Y-you’re just… You don’t deserve this mess. [At least Aubrey can get that out, if only because she’s looking down at the wreckage of her outburst and not Armin. Her left hand rises to cover the lower half of her face, as if that might help anything, other arm crossing tight.]
You deserve better. That’s… that’s all I’m trying to say.
[Is it, though? Is it really? Aubrey is so very sick of feeling everything.]
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You do too, Aubrey. We all do.
[It’s as much a matter of Armin being “just as bad” as them as it is a matter of them being “just as good”.]
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[‘I don’t.’ ‘You don’t know me, either.’ Or even ‘It doesn’t matter what we deserve, anyway, when we just get this.’ But it’s all stifled. Aubrey cries in earnest, like it feels like she has every fucking day since they barged back into her life, changing it yet again, irrevocably, forever.
[Focus, Aubrey. Don’t… don’t get lost in that, now.]
Armin… [He’s here, now. She can control herself enough to focus on that.] Why do you think we’re here…?
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[It's so hard. It's all so hard. And she's only a kid. They're all just kids.]
I can't pretend to know the answer to that, but...
[How does he put this...?]
Maybe it's something we all need.
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[Maybe for the best that Armin doesn’t reach out. It’s occurring to Aubrey that she’s started to associate this disgusting overflow with Eren’s arms; she wants him, how the hell is she supposed to face him after this, the works. It’s Armin who’s been hurt more here, anyway; Aubrey wouldn’t want it.]
[She centers on his answer, instead. May the self-pitying sentiment of deserved punishment not eat her alive for two seconds.]
“Something we all need,” huh… [Aubrey rubs her eyes. Might’ve got some sawdust in them; whatever. They’d be red after this anyway.] Why’s that?
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Rihanna wants to teach us the power of friendship, Aubrey.I'm not sure...[His answer, for Armin, is surprisingly distant, as if distracted.]
It just feels...significant. And not necessarily malevolent, the more I think about it...
[A disembodied voice sent by the universe itself to break Armin's spirit back into something honest - this is something he endured not thirty minutes ago, and yet...]
Not that I approve of what we've been through - you two especially - but it's just as I said; if there are intentions behind it at all, I'm not sure that they're to cause suffering for the sake of suffering. That's all.
dying! at the strikethrough
Rihanna’s methods are cruel, Armin.[Aubrey tries not to hear his answer as sharply as she did his talk of lessons and calculation. Besides, she took it to heart even then.]
I don’t like it… [Unsteady breath in. The rest comes out in a sigh, weary.] …but you’re probably right.
Anything you don’t want to talk about, or face or hear or whatever… it’s here.
[Including people. Or at least, Armin and Reiner for Eren; Bertholdt for Armin. Mari’s an outlier, it seems. Aubrey doesn’t want to connect that last dot yet.]
I guess… it does tend to go better, when you don’t resist it.
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[After all, he was fairly cooperative with the game overall. Still, it was punishing; not as punishing as Eren and Aubrey's experiences (or so Armin understands them).
[How much torture do those two let themselves endure before giving in...?]
It's a dilemma, right? As humans, we want everything to have a purpose or a reason. We want to know why what's happening is happening. We want to know how.
Maybe there isn't a purpose. That's a possibility too. But I don't like it as much...
[His smile is as weary as her sigh.]
Call me a romantic, I guess.
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Hey, that’s not an insult. [Aubrey isn’t quite feeling a laugh, but she manages a small, brief smile in return.] Fairy tales might be fake, but… there are moments.
And I guess, even if there’s not a purpose after all…[Arguably a more terrifying thought than a malicious reason. At least that’d imply something to fight back against. Then again, grueling things happening for no reason… kind of a theme, isn’t it?]
…it’s like you said. We have each other.
In general. [A reluctant caveat, but…]
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We need each other.
And if there really isn’t a purpose, then…I guess that just leaves it up to us to decide.
That idea - it’s almost sort of…freeing, don’t you think?
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[It’s a fair omission. A nice thought, that someday they might all really have each other… It sounds impossible, but so would being stuck in a malleable space with people from another world. And Armin, at least, has been shaping his space pretty damn well.]
Yeah. I guess that is a kind of freedom. [Aubrey’s smile is, if tired, more genuine this round.]
We’ll figure it out. Especially if you’re here.
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Aubrey, I hope this goes without saying, but I feel no ill will toward you for any reason.
Genuinely, I mean that. I know this conversation has been...awkward, to say the least, but...I'm not upset with you.
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[Freedom in captivity. Idly Aubrey wonders what Eren would think of that; surely nothing good. (She knows she broke his heart; she doesn’t quite realize how close he was to drawing this very conclusion.)]
[It takes her a moment to respond to the rest.]
—Oh, no, it. I never thought you were. [Impatient, maybe, but not at her. It’s weird to recognize that consciously. He has every right to be furious....]
I’m… sorry for snapping at you, earlier. Not to put you on a pedestal or anything [or so she’ll try], but… you’ve really been nothing but patient, even now. [Aubrey swallows. She hopes the appreciation is implicit enough.]
If there’s ever stuff you want to talk about… I’ll listen. Even if it’s awkward.
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And the same to you.
I'm good with patience, and I try to be a good listener.
I consider you a friend, Aubrey. [With a little smile.] I hope you feel the same, even given the circumstances.
[He's not sure he's as much as said so out loud before. It's a term that he's used both loosely and stringently in his life; but for Aubrey, it fits. And they should be friends. After all, she's...married (?) to Eren now.]
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Definitely. [No hesitation, this time. There’s a lot she doesn’t know about Armin, still, and back home she might’ve been a lot slower… but hell, they’ve been through too much here not to consider him one. And even if they hadn’t, she’d probably want him to be. He’s just…]
Hope this world stays kind to you, Armin. Well, kind as this place ever is. [Aubrey should probably leave before she gets emotional again. But…]
[Muttering, somewhat:] Other offer’s still open, if you want. From earlier. [A side glance.] No pressure.
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[He does expect Aubrey to leave after she says that, but she doesn't. The "other offer"...?]
To hit things? [At this, a teasing smile.] You want another round with the ODM gear? Is that it?
I think that could be arranged.
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[…]
Well, I mean. I wouldn’t complain.
[She shrugs. Her arms are, rather awkwardly, raised, as if weighing the option.]
Up to you.
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[He holds out his arm.]
Come on then - oh, grab your bat first. I'll show you how to swing while we're in the air.
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[…You know what? Fuck it. Practically the same thing, anyway, yeah?]
Alright. If you insist.
[With a quick ‘>:P’, Aubrey picks up her bat, and throws an arm around Armin for round 2.]