Sunny...? [Yes, he knows the name; heard all about him, along with all the others Aubrey loves so dearly...
[It's easy for Armin and Eren to excuse people from their world being here. There's not much world left to go back to. But how does Aubrey feel about it...?
[Why is her head hung? He runs a hand through her hair, then rests his palm over the nape of her neck.]
[Cruel, bastard touch. She shouldn’t think of him this way. He’s just trying to help…]
He’s—
[He’s—
[He’s…]
[The thought flounders and terminates. It doesn’t make sense. He was there, biting his thumb. He was there, trusting them, touching them. He was there, and then he…]
[Throat constricted, Aubrey tries to show Armin the memory, an image; worth a thousand words. But they can’t see like this. If anything comes through, it’s barely legible; scrawled, drowned, incoherent. Just a boy and a stain in his gut.
[He can't tell quite what, but he knows that something terrible has happened. Armin opens his mouth to speak, but another voice speaks instead, echoing around them in the darkness. It's familiar in that it's not - that strange, ambiguous voice that doesn't quite sound like anyone at all, but is never misunderstood.]
Black is the color of mourning. Tell him how you feel.
[Armin pulls back when Aubrey pulls away. He keeps his hands down, resting somewhere on the ground between them, close enough to take again as soon as she wants them.]
Aubrey...
What happened...? I think...you have to tell me...
[God, but she didn’t say it, did she? She never said it. There was so much going on, she never said it, and so he didn’t hear it, and so he must have died thinking—]
[Her heart is thudding. She wants it to stop.]
We… failed him. [No wonder Sunny didn’t want to say. Words make it real.] We all… we left him, I left him, and he—
[Aubrey drops her head to the ground. A confession:]
He’s gone! [To her own surprise it comes out loud, violent and strangled. She gulps for air.] Sunny’s gone…
[The memory of a scream, shared; Armin, when he saw Eren's head cradled in Mikasa's arms. It's brief, but it's as sharp as a knife. He chastises himself for it immediately. His hands search for Aubrey in the dark. The find her back, smoothing over it. That awful "gone", like the cry of a wounded animal. Sunny...]
I'm sorry...[His voice is hushed with grief, understanding.
[It matters that she can see him again. Armin knows how much that matters. But it matters that he's gone too. He's gone.]
[It’s a strange grief, a horrible grief—one maybe only they can understand, here, in this eternal limbo. He’s still here; he can smile, have a heartbeat. They’ll see him again. But they’ve seen the aftermath, too; stained vest, severed head. That can never be undone.
[Armin’s scream echoes, and it’s a mangled balm, metallic and searing. He’s sorry; he knows; it’s true. Aubrey reels and shudders under his palm, writhing in the same trap she has been for four years and counting. Guttural, keening noises close around her throat.]
[Her sputtering thoughts grasp at coherence long before her voice can. We didn’t know and I did nothing he wanted to die I was a fist hits the ground useless and he stabbed himself to death I did nothing he looked just like his sister he looked so peaceful I woke him up she groans and it’s too late it’s too late it’s too late I did nothing I could have said something I should have been there for him I could have done anything, anything at all but ignore him and drown and drown and drown… It doesn’t stop.]
[Reiner had to tell them that Eren was suffering, because he knew what that same suffering felt like. Armin knows it too, and still, he couldn't see it. "We didn't know, and I did nothing..." Oh, but he understands. He curls his body over her, warm and protective. His arms fold loosely around her.]
[It’s the honesty of someone who knows. Aubrey couldn’t give it to Sunny; Eren could. That Armin can to her…
[She feels wretched. She’s heaving bloody murder and he’s calling her “sweetheart.” She sobs harder, silent by now.
[Not a low she was allowed to hit, back in that attic; had to muffle it fast, or they’d get mad. So it came out in fits and bursts, like the sidewalk on that day, one shoe down and the river neverending. And they didn’t know her, and she didn’t know them, but Mari pet her hair and Sunny sat close, and they said, “Let’s stay together now, okay? We’ll be friends.” And Basil could join too, and everything would be okay.
[Sunny listened to her; they all did. And Aubrey just…]
I’m trying. [She has to, now. For them all.] I’m trying…
[It hurts so badly. Sometimes it feels worse than death. The voice that plays is soft, aching, cracking. Armin's spoken voice is soft, stable, soothing.]
I know. I know...
[But they're here. We're here now. We've made this world beautiful, remember? We live to laugh with them again...]
[“The time we have left with them,” Armin says, like this won’t last. It stabs through her, a cold shock that leaves her gasping. And—
[She doesn’t have it in her to scream. Fuck, she is tired of this; tired of curling and choking, of crying and whining and bitching and blaming. Abrupt as a death throe, Aubrey tries to wrench around. It doesn’t matter, it’s still pitch black, but she wants to see Armin. To see his beautiful, broken face; to hold him tight until his voice in his throat matches the hurt in his head; to kiss him again, and again, and again, until they can think of nothing else.
[He deserves better than her, better than this. But for once in her stupid mistake of a life, Aubrey can try to focus on someone else.]
It’s Hell, Armin. [And yet it’s still a miserable noise. She reaches for his face. Despite every stupid impulse, this is as far as she’ll go.] It’s Hell, and we… we have each other.
[It's like he can feel her reaching. He can't see her face, but he can hear the way she gasps and crows and cries. She's so close. Armin so rarely had time for love amongst all the hate and rot of his world, but there was love, and he knows how it feels when you understand what "pour your heart out" means. He's overflowing.
[Fingers bump fingers, because they have each other, and they're reaching toward each other, even in this pitch black, mourning darkness. His thumbs find her cheeks, and he holds this beloved human's face in his hands. How could anyone ever see them as monsters, when they grieve like this, and cry, and yearn for something greater?]
It's alright. [There's a crack in his voice, and it's so hard to tell if he's laughing or crying.]
[There he is. There he is. His hands find her face, and hers wrap around his; a hold on each other, through the pitch. Darkness wrings out every ounce of their beating hearts and then some; there’s always more to grieve. Aubrey brings their foreheads together, her own pounding from the crying jag that just won’t end, and Armin speaks like he’s been here before, might be here forever.]
And I’m with you.
[He’s close; he’s been close, he’s stayed close. Armin’s voice falters; Aubrey can’t blame herself when he’s laid his sins on a petal-stained table. Is it a victory that he’s finally cracking? God, but he thinks they’ll lose them again—]
We’ll stay together…
[Of course they’ll be here. They’ll carry this black for the rest of their days.]
[Armin's eyes fall closed, tears dripping into the blackness. He can't see it, but they burst in little ripples of faint light against the ground.]
I love you.
[They never said it enough. It can never be said enough. You wake up in the morning, and by the time you're lying in bed at night, you've lost something you couldn't imagine living without yesterday.]
I… I love you, too. [There’s no hesitation to the sentiment. She just wants it out without a crack—but oh, is it a desperate thing. They’ll never say it enough.] I love you, Armin.
[He won’t see her lean, but he’ll feel the tug from trembling fingers, the brush against the tip of his nose, the shaking breath on his lips.] I love you, Armin… [And she tries her damndest to kiss him.]
[It's hard not to fumble in the dark, but Armin's had to do so before. They're still holding each other's faces. It isn't hard to find her. Their noses brush, then bump blindly, but the kiss is found. Armin thinks he'll never kiss someone again like it isn't the last time - desperate, warm, bleeding. It'll never be enough, but he'd never reject it.
[Such bloody, precious hearts they have. They need to breathe, but Aubrey doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to mangle it, even for all they’re aching, even when Armin’s promise stabs her anew. Hell is being gouged alive and having to keep breathing. And they were so sweet before…]
[We’ll find each other. I’ll never stop searching. She didn’t when the world howled empty. Why now....]
[A hand finds his nape, clasps it. It’s so practiced by now; it was Sunny last time, Eren before. When will she see them again? When will anyone ever hold them again? Aubrey can only say she won’t let go. The world doesn’t care about keeping promises.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's easy for Armin and Eren to excuse people from their world being here. There's not much world left to go back to. But how does Aubrey feel about it...?
[Why is her head hung? He runs a hand through her hair, then rests his palm over the nape of her neck.]
How did it go?
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[Cruel, bastard touch. She shouldn’t think of him this way. He’s just trying to help…]
He’s—
[He’s—
[He’s…]
[The thought flounders and terminates. It doesn’t make sense. He was there, biting his thumb. He was there, trusting them, touching them. He was there, and then he…]
[Throat constricted, Aubrey tries to show Armin the memory, an image; worth a thousand words. But they can’t see like this. If anything comes through, it’s barely legible; scrawled, drowned, incoherent. Just a boy and a stain in his gut.
[I can’t… do this again.]
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Black is the color of mourning. Tell him how you feel.
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[She wrenches her hands back, digs fingers through her skull.]
I’m… sorry… [Wrenched out between heavy breaths, increasingly rapid.]
I’m sorry…
I love you....
1/? : ) (elsewhere)
2/3
She isn't here...
[He'd know if she were this close.]
3/3
Aubrey...
What happened...? I think...you have to tell me...
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[God, but she didn’t say it, did she? She never said it. There was so much going on, she never said it, and so he didn’t hear it, and so he must have died thinking—]
[Her heart is thudding. She wants it to stop.]
We… failed him. [No wonder Sunny didn’t want to say. Words make it real.] We all… we left him, I left him, and he—
[Aubrey drops her head to the ground. A confession:]
He’s gone! [To her own surprise it comes out loud, violent and strangled. She gulps for air.] Sunny’s gone…
[I let him go. I never said goodbye.]
1/2
I'm sorry...[His voice is hushed with grief, understanding.
[It matters that she can see him again. Armin knows how much that matters. But it matters that he's gone too. He's gone.]
I'm so sorry...
2/2 (not "here")
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[It’s a strange grief, a horrible grief—one maybe only they can understand, here, in this eternal limbo. He’s still here; he can smile, have a heartbeat. They’ll see him again. But they’ve seen the aftermath, too; stained vest, severed head. That can never be undone.
[Armin’s scream echoes, and it’s a mangled balm, metallic and searing. He’s sorry; he knows; it’s true. Aubrey reels and shudders under his palm, writhing in the same trap she has been for four years and counting. Guttural, keening noises close around her throat.]
[Her sputtering thoughts grasp at coherence long before her voice can. We didn’t know and I did nothing he wanted to die I was a fist hits the ground useless and he stabbed himself to death I did nothing he looked just like his sister he looked so peaceful I woke him up she groans and it’s too late it’s too late it’s too late I did nothing I could have said something I should have been there for him I could have done anything, anything at all but ignore him and drown and drown and drown… It doesn’t stop.]
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[Reiner had to tell them that Eren was suffering, because he knew what that same suffering felt like. Armin knows it too, and still, he couldn't see it. "We didn't know, and I did nothing..." Oh, but he understands. He curls his body over her, warm and protective. His arms fold loosely around her.]
I know...I know...
I'm with you...
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[She curls tighter; into his arms, away from them, needing it, hating it.
[It’s selfish. He was resting. He was peaceful.
[I should just die.]
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[His voice is so exceptionally tender, so honest, so honest...]
I think...we've all had enough death, sweetheart...
[The name comes out very naturally. It's not something Armin is used to. But he loves her. It's a fitting name.]
Let's stay together for now.
spontaneously fires semi-headcanon memory beam
[It’s the honesty of someone who knows. Aubrey couldn’t give it to Sunny; Eren could. That Armin can to her…
[She feels wretched. She’s heaving bloody murder and he’s calling her “sweetheart.” She sobs harder, silent by now.
[Not a low she was allowed to hit, back in that attic; had to muffle it fast, or they’d get mad. So it came out in fits and bursts, like the sidewalk on that day, one shoe down and the river neverending. And they didn’t know her, and she didn’t know them, but Mari pet her hair and Sunny sat close, and they said, “Let’s stay together now, okay? We’ll be friends.” And Basil could join too, and everything would be okay.
[Sunny listened to her; they all did. And Aubrey just…]
I’m trying. [She has to, now. For them all.] I’m trying…
[It hurts…]
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I know. I know...
[But they're here. We're here now. We've made this world beautiful, remember? We live to laugh with them again...]
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[How the hell does he do that? The voice he’s not speaking with sounds just as broken as her, maybe worse. Out loud, it’s the strongest thing.]
[You’re too good to me, Armin… She knows he’s said otherwise.] You are…
[Both Aubrey’s voices are the same. The unspoken one just doesn’t need her to breathe. You’re so hurt, too… and so beautiful.]
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I know, Aubrey...
[I know...There's so much to blame ourselves for.]
We can't waste the time we have left with them doing it...
[It's not that easy. I know...I know...]
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[“The time we have left with them,” Armin says, like this won’t last. It stabs through her, a cold shock that leaves her gasping. And—
[She doesn’t have it in her to scream. Fuck, she is tired of this; tired of curling and choking, of crying and whining and bitching and blaming. Abrupt as a death throe, Aubrey tries to wrench around. It doesn’t matter, it’s still pitch black, but she wants to see Armin. To see his beautiful, broken face; to hold him tight until his voice in his throat matches the hurt in his head; to kiss him again, and again, and again, until they can think of nothing else.
[He deserves better than her, better than this. But for once in her stupid mistake of a life, Aubrey can try to focus on someone else.]
It’s Hell, Armin. [And yet it’s still a miserable noise. She reaches for his face. Despite every stupid impulse, this is as far as she’ll go.] It’s Hell, and we… we have each other.
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[Fingers bump fingers, because they have each other, and they're reaching toward each other, even in this pitch black, mourning darkness. His thumbs find her cheeks, and he holds this beloved human's face in his hands. How could anyone ever see them as monsters, when they grieve like this, and cry, and yearn for something greater?]
It's alright. [There's a crack in his voice, and it's so hard to tell if he's laughing or crying.]
It's Hell. And I'm right here with you.
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[There he is. There he is. His hands find her face, and hers wrap around his; a hold on each other, through the pitch. Darkness wrings out every ounce of their beating hearts and then some; there’s always more to grieve. Aubrey brings their foreheads together, her own pounding from the crying jag that just won’t end, and Armin speaks like he’s been here before, might be here forever.]
And I’m with you.
[He’s close; he’s been close, he’s stayed close. Armin’s voice falters; Aubrey can’t blame herself when he’s laid his sins on a petal-stained table. Is it a victory that he’s finally cracking? God, but he thinks they’ll lose them again—]
We’ll stay together…
[Of course they’ll be here. They’ll carry this black for the rest of their days.]
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[Armin's eyes fall closed, tears dripping into the blackness. He can't see it, but they burst in little ripples of faint light against the ground.]
I love you.
[They never said it enough. It can never be said enough. You wake up in the morning, and by the time you're lying in bed at night, you've lost something you couldn't imagine living without yesterday.]
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[Are the drops on her hands her own or his?]
I… I love you, too. [There’s no hesitation to the sentiment. She just wants it out without a crack—but oh, is it a desperate thing. They’ll never say it enough.] I love you, Armin.
[He won’t see her lean, but he’ll feel the tug from trembling fingers, the brush against the tip of his nose, the shaking breath on his lips.] I love you, Armin… [And she tries her damndest to kiss him.]
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[I'll find you time and time again. I promise.]
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[Such bloody, precious hearts they have. They need to breathe, but Aubrey doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to mangle it, even for all they’re aching, even when Armin’s promise stabs her anew. Hell is being gouged alive and having to keep breathing. And they were so sweet before…]
[We’ll find each other. I’ll never stop searching. She didn’t when the world howled empty. Why now....]
[A hand finds his nape, clasps it. It’s so practiced by now; it was Sunny last time, Eren before. When will she see them again? When will anyone ever hold them again? Aubrey can only say she won’t let go. The world doesn’t care about keeping promises.]
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