[When Aubrey tucks a finger under his chin, Armin lifts his head, eyes wide, wet, and pleading. Her words slice right through him. Maybe it should be a balm, but Armin doesn't feel soothed. For God's sake, they killed Eren. They killed Eren.
[They had no choice. Eren ensured that himself. But Armin isn't angry anymore. He remembers everything his friend told him. He should hate him, maybe, even so; of course, he never could.
[But Aubrey isn't from their world. Aubrey loves Eren. Aubrey's his wife. Armin remembers how it felt to see Mikasa carrying Eren's head toward him. He remembers the sound of his own screams. Cruelly, his mind replays the scene as if Aubrey were there. It's all too terrible to imagine.
[There is no God, but Armin is grateful to whatever force allowed Aubrey to live somewhere outside of the world of Marleyians and Eldians and Paradis and Titans.
[They gave him peace. He wants to believe it. If there is a Hell, Eren should be there; Armin knows that too.
[God, he hopes this is Hell. He wants so badly for this to be the only Hell they'll ever know.]
I want him. [His voice is so profoundly broken, words squeaking and breaking as if he were only ten years old again.] I want to see him, I want...I-I love him so...s-so much, Aubrey. I do. I do.
[If there was any way in Hell to call for people here, to pull them to your side easily as a raincloud… Aubrey’s tried a thousand times, and this will be the thousand-and-first. The world can do that for Armin, can’t it…?]
[Nothing but waves.]
[Which is good (useless) as any reality, isn’t it? Of course nothing will make this better; it will never go away. Even if—no, when, it has to be a when—they meet again… Eren’s still cold.
[Still.... Always still.]
Do you… want me to show you? He was resting. [And only that, if she can help it. His peace. Not his grave; not the chill where his pulse should be.] I know it’s not enough, but…
[Anything to see him again. Anything to see anything other than a grave. Even if he can't touch him, or talk to him, or hold him, he wants to see him. He wants to see the face of his best friend again.]
[Aubrey cups her hands around Armin’s face—a gesture usually reserved for Eren, but that doesn’t matter right now. She closes her eyes again, closes her eyes, and focuses. Just that image. Just that image. Just Eren, only Eren, her Detriment and her purpose and her lifeblood.
[Sunlight, dappled through the tree, dancing on his skin. Hands folded over three flowers, gentle. And his face; still, peaceful. At rest, at last.
[Armin will see this, crisp as a polaroid… and receive a drop of emotion, despite Aubrey’s best efforts. It’s just heartbreak, really. Surely no stranger; Arrmin’s moment of loss was far more visceral. And they both had a feeling it was possible, it was likely, it was coming.]
[She laced her fingers through— Aubrey opens her eyes before the image can complete, that cold mortis. Armin doesn’t need that.]
[The image blooms behind Armin’s eyes. Eren Jaeger, the man he loves, more peaceful than he’s ever seen him - than he’s ever seen him - lying under their tree in would-be Shiganshina.
[Armin wraps his arms around Aubrey’s neck, pulling her close and resting his cheek against her shoulder. At last, he seems at ease. He whispers:]
[It’s a high, wavering whisper. The arms around her neck are surprising, as if she hasn’t been holding him; his cheek on her shoulder has her face warming. It’s not just out of fluster.]
[They… don’t deserve her…?]
[Loathing clamps down on her heart, a swirling, pitch gnaw that never went away. It tells her to deny, deny, deny; she had nothing to do with Eren being like that. Eren should be here, Armin’s peace on his shoulder. Aubrey hardly even comforted Eren when he cried. Aubrey just… Aubrey just worries, and gets stuck in her own head, and then it’s too late.]
[For a moment, she stiffens. But Armin is wrapped around her neck like a scarf, his head rests on her shoulder, and he’s not as warm as he used to be but he feels very much alive. And he needs her to be steady.]
[She pulls her wrists back around him, and holds. The breath Aubrey lets out is slow, and weary, and so very, very tired.]
[Does he? Armin straightens , though keeps his arms loosely around Aubrey. He looks her in the eye, the softest of smiles on his face; it still isn't a pretty one. It's still broken. Armin might never be unbroken so long as he lives.
['I don't know.'
[He pulls his arms away, clasping her hands instead.]
We'll find that peace. For all of us.
This world is at our disposal. It's cruel, but...it isn't the same.
There's hope, Aubrey. We'll do whatever it takes. Can you promise me that?
[That Armin can smile at all, after everything… it’s heart-wrenching to see, but there’s a quiet hope to the effort, too. Armin’s always had that, even as he admits to not knowing, even before he says it out loud.
[Aubrey really cares about him.]
[His answer, immediately and involuntarily, is an echo: “I’ll find you again… I’ll find you peace. As close as we can get.” It’s a grim determination, but trying nonetheless.]
[Out loud:] Of course. [Aubrey clasps Armin’s hands back. Even without a hand raised, it’s a promise all the same.] And if we can’t find it… we’ll make it.
[The smile becomes a little more genuine. His entire body aches like he's going to break into pieces. He wants to see him so badly, but...there will be time. There will be time. And there will be peace.
[At last, he drops Aubrey's hands, staking a step back and putting his right fist to his chest, curled at an angle - the Scouts' salute from the Scouts' Commander.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bet u thought I ran out of crying icons we live in s4 bitchie
[They had no choice. Eren ensured that himself. But Armin isn't angry anymore. He remembers everything his friend told him. He should hate him, maybe, even so; of course, he never could.
[But Aubrey isn't from their world. Aubrey loves Eren. Aubrey's his wife. Armin remembers how it felt to see Mikasa carrying Eren's head toward him. He remembers the sound of his own screams. Cruelly, his mind replays the scene as if Aubrey were there. It's all too terrible to imagine.
[There is no God, but Armin is grateful to whatever force allowed Aubrey to live somewhere outside of the world of Marleyians and Eldians and Paradis and Titans.
[They gave him peace. He wants to believe it. If there is a Hell, Eren should be there; Armin knows that too.
[God, he hopes this is Hell. He wants so badly for this to be the only Hell they'll ever know.]
I want him. [His voice is so profoundly broken, words squeaking and breaking as if he were only ten years old again.] I want to see him, I want...I-I love him so...s-so much, Aubrey. I do. I do.
it’s a mood tbh
[If there was any way in Hell to call for people here, to pull them to your side easily as a raincloud… Aubrey’s tried a thousand times, and this will be the thousand-and-first. The world can do that for Armin, can’t it…?]
[Nothing but waves.]
[Which is good (useless) as any reality, isn’t it? Of course nothing will make this better; it will never go away. Even if—no, when, it has to be a when—they meet again… Eren’s still cold.
[Still.... Always still.]
Do you… want me to show you? He was resting. [And only that, if she can help it. His peace. Not his grave; not the chill where his pulse should be.] I know it’s not enough, but…
[She trails off.
[It’s not enough.]
no subject
[Armin takes a deep breath.]
Please...Yes, please...
[Anything to see him again. Anything to see anything other than a grave. Even if he can't touch him, or talk to him, or hold him, he wants to see him. He wants to see the face of his best friend again.]
no subject
[Just this once, may the world be merciful.]
[Aubrey cups her hands around Armin’s face—a gesture usually reserved for Eren, but that doesn’t matter right now. She closes her eyes again, closes her eyes, and focuses. Just that image. Just that image. Just Eren, only Eren, her Detriment and her purpose and her lifeblood.
[Sunlight, dappled through the tree, dancing on his skin. Hands folded over three flowers, gentle. And his face; still, peaceful. At rest, at last.
[Armin will see this, crisp as a polaroid… and receive a drop of emotion, despite Aubrey’s best efforts. It’s just heartbreak, really. Surely no stranger; Arrmin’s moment of loss was far more visceral. And they both had a feeling it was possible, it was likely, it was coming.]
[She laced her fingers through— Aubrey opens her eyes before the image can complete, that cold mortis. Armin doesn’t need that.]
no subject
[Armin wraps his arms around Aubrey’s neck, pulling her close and resting his cheek against her shoulder. At last, he seems at ease. He whispers:]
Oh, Aubrey…
We don’t deserve you…
no subject
. . . Wh.
What…?
[It’s a high, wavering whisper. The arms around her neck are surprising, as if she hasn’t been holding him; his cheek on her shoulder has her face warming. It’s not just out of fluster.]
[They… don’t deserve her…?]
[Loathing clamps down on her heart, a swirling, pitch gnaw that never went away. It tells her to deny, deny, deny; she had nothing to do with Eren being like that. Eren should be here, Armin’s peace on his shoulder. Aubrey hardly even comforted Eren when he cried. Aubrey just… Aubrey just worries, and gets stuck in her own head, and then it’s too late.]
[For a moment, she stiffens. But Armin is wrapped around her neck like a scarf, his head rests on her shoulder, and he’s not as warm as he used to be but he feels very much alive. And he needs her to be steady.]
[She pulls her wrists back around him, and holds. The breath Aubrey lets out is slow, and weary, and so very, very tired.]
You deserve better.
no subject
We all do.
[Maybe they can have that here. 'Maybe we can find peace.']
no subject
That’s all I want. [Armin’s voice is so close, Aubrey almost doesn’t notice part was shared silently.] For Eren… all of you.
[She lets her own chin fall, lightly, on Armin’s shoulder, too. He’s breathing. That’s good....]
Do you think, if Eren was here… it’d bring him peace?
no subject
['I don't know.'
[He pulls his arms away, clasping her hands instead.]
We'll find that peace. For all of us.
This world is at our disposal. It's cruel, but...it isn't the same.
There's hope, Aubrey. We'll do whatever it takes. Can you promise me that?
no subject
[That Armin can smile at all, after everything… it’s heart-wrenching to see, but there’s a quiet hope to the effort, too. Armin’s always had that, even as he admits to not knowing, even before he says it out loud.
[Aubrey really cares about him.]
[His answer, immediately and involuntarily, is an echo: “I’ll find you again… I’ll find you peace. As close as we can get.” It’s a grim determination, but trying nonetheless.]
[Out loud:] Of course. [Aubrey clasps Armin’s hands back. Even without a hand raised, it’s a promise all the same.] And if we can’t find it… we’ll make it.
[We have to.]
no subject
[At last, he drops Aubrey's hands, staking a step back and putting his right fist to his chest, curled at an angle - the Scouts' salute from the Scouts' Commander.]
Our hearts and souls to the cause.
slides you one more cheeky little tag
[That salute… Armin’s resolve is steady as a beacon.]
[It’s not Aubrey’s to mirror, but she folds her hands over her heart, right over left.]
Always.
[She has faith in him completely.]